"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
Smile... Tomorrow will be worse.
Englisch - English - Inglés
"Unix is user friendly ... it's just picky about it's friends." -anononymous
"The REALLY nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete
surprise and is not preceded by long periods of worry & depression!" -unknown
Everybody should believe in something - I believe I should have another beer.
"I would be willing to bet that >99% of the people that use PGP wouldn't
recognize a backdoor in the code if it fell on them." -Tim Mooney
BORING: See "Civil Engineers". - the Yellow Pages
"Maybe you should telephone the Internet and talk to their tech support people."
- an AOL customer service representative.
Mixed Emotions: Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff
in your brand new Mercedes.
Escape the "Gates" of Hell: LINUX, the choice of a GNU generation!
Perl is the Swiss-Army-Chainsaw of U**x Programming
"Money means nothing 'cause hacks are free..." (Apologies to MK)
"The cheapest, fastest, and most reliable components of a computer system
are those that aren't there." -- Gordon Bell
"Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug."
-- Dire Straits, The Bug
"Let's just be friends -- friends who never talk or see each other."
-- David Letterman, 7-22-92
With your one remaining eye, please do NOT look back into the laser
"There is nothing wrong with America, that cannot be cured
by what is RIGHT with America" --- Ex-President Bill Jefferson Clinton
Be good, but - if you can't be good -
be careful, but - if you can't be careful - DON'T GET CAUGHT
"C++ -- where friends can access your privates."
There Is No Gravity - The World Just Sucks!
No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item,
after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back.
"If the 8086 architects had designed a car, they would have produced
one with legs, to be compatible with the horse." (WA2HEE)
As far as we know our computer has never had an undetected error.
Undetected errors are handled as if no error occurred. (IBM)
A person who has not made his great contribution to science before
the age of 30 will never do so. -- Albert Einstein
Science owes more to the steam engine than the steam engine owes to science
-- James Bryant Conant 1983-1978, Science & Common Sense 1961 New Haven
In Germany everything is forbidden, unless something is specifically allowed.
In the UK everything which is not specifically forbidden, is allowed.
In France everything is allowed, even if it is forbidden.
In Italy everything is allowed, especially when it is forbidden.
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
To the intelligent, life is infinitely mysterious.
The stupid have an answer for every question.
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
GILLETTE'S PRINCIPLE:
"If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make
them absolutely livid with rage, tell the truth."
"Two wrongs don't make a right,
but three lefts do." -- Charles Barilleau
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
much sleep. -- Woody Allen
43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
one, and convert to the next higher units.
Q: How do you stop Bill Gates from drowning?
A: Shoot him.
The steady state of disks is full. -- Ken Thompson
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
Command, n.:
Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
such a manner as to make the human feel that he is in control.
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
until 5 or 6 pm.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-- Olivier
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
There is no particular mystery in animation...it's really very simple,
and like anything that is simple, it is about the hardest thing in the
world to do. -- Bill Tytla at the Walt Disney Studio, June 28, 1937.
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
-- Oscar Wilde
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
If you see it and it's there, it's real,
If you see it and it isn't there, it's virtual,
If you can't see it and it's there, it's transparent,
And if you can't see it and it isn't there, it's gone....
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop
after eating one peanut. -- Channing Pollock
When Marriage is Outlawed, only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have
nothing more important to do.
"Silence is consent." - Sir Thomas Moore, before his execution.
"Ya' know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She
said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment' and God bless her soul, she was
really onto something." -- Homer Simpson in _There's_No_Disgrace_Like_Home_
Passwords should be treated like toothbrushes. Don't let anyone else
use yours and get a new one every 3 months. -- Cliff Stoll
But he was probably like most CS majors: spending all the time in the
computer labs, eating out of vending machines, majoring in the four major
food groups: sugar, starch, chocolate and caffeine, he probably was 5'6"
and weighed 250, with a face like a pepperoni pizza behind Coke bottles.
"JUST a statue! Is the Statue of Liberty JUST a statue?
Is the Leaning Tower of 'pizza' JUST a statue?"
-- Homer Simpson to Bart in _Tell-Tale_Head_
A few weeks of developing and testing
can save a whole afternoon in the library.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
Experience is directly proportional to
the amount of equipment ruined.
By the way, what is 9,192,631,770 times the period length of the
radiation which corresponds to the phase transition between the two
hyper-fine structure niveaus of the base state of atoms with the
133-CS nuke?
!dnoces 1 :noituloS
Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be
regarded as a criminal offense. -- E. W. Dijkstra
I was up above it, now I'm down in it.
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer.
Use the Source, Luke!
Don't keep a negative attitude, such as
"I will not succeed, I will not succeed."
Instead, keep a positive attitude, such as
"I WILL fail. I WILL fail."
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
sky. -- Rainer Rilke
In order to maintain secrecy, this posting will self-destruct
in five seconds. Memorize it, then eat your computer.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they're not.
Blind people should not skydive, it scares the shit out of their dogs!!
May all your PUSHes be POPped.
*anuthur egsample of the publik edukashun sistem* :)
"Press button to test." "Release to detonate."
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop???
Our continuing mission: To seek out knowledge of C, to explore strange
UNIX commands and to boldly code where no one has a manpage 4...
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only
proved it correct, not tried it." -- Donald Knuth
Weinberg's Principle:
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can
be made, in a narrow field. - Niels Bohr
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress
depends upon the unreasonable man. - George Bernard Shaw
Good questions outrank easy answers. - Paul A. Samuelson
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.
-- Henry L. Mencken
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice !
Why use Windows, when you can leave through the door?
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
"I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system,
and possibly program, of all times." Bill Gates, Microsoft, 1988
(Preface in Ed Iaccobucci's "OS/2 Programmers Guide")
Hiroshima 45, Tschernobyl 86, Windows 98
Bill Gates, Microsoft:
"There are no significant bugs in our released software that any
significant number of users want fixed."
"If you really think there's a bug you should report a bug. Maybe you're
not using it properly. Have you ever considered that?"
"It turns out Luddites don't know how to use software properly, so you
should look into that. -- The reason we come up with new versions is not
to fix bugs. It's absolutely not. It's the stupidest reason to buy a new
version I ever heard."
To be found here:
oder
Bill Gates, Microsoft: (from: )
"There are no significant bugs in our released software that any
significant number of users want fixed."
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
those who understand what they do not manage and
those who manage what they do not understand.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in
human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
To be is to do. (Sartre)
To do is to be. (Camus)
Do be do be do. (Sinatra)
Scoo Be Do Be Do. (Scooby Doo)
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the
Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the
Universe is winning."
Microsoft gives you Windows, UNIX gives you the whole house
Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate !!
Ceterum censeo Microsoftem esse delendam!
The word "WINDOWS" stems from an old Sioux-dialect and means:
"White man stares through screen at hour glass."
Windoze: For the one it is an operating system, for the others
it is the longest virus of the world.
Linux vs. Windows is a no-Win situation
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Many people easily confuse innovation with the latest
influenza epidemia from Redmond.
Windows98 is able to do *real* multitasking:
It can boot and crash at the same time!
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule.
You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
When I shop for hardware I always look for the "Designed for Windows"
logo. I really thank Microsoft(TM) for encouraging manufacturers to
label their products this way, so I know what to AVOID.
To err is human. To really screw it up takes a computer.
Earth is 98% full... please delete anyone you can!
Artificial Intelligence stands no chance against Natural Stupidity.
Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
on a rock. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
I have taken all the Gates out of my computer, and it still works!
A bus stops at a bus station; a train stops at a train station.
On my desk I have a workstation...
God sent me to earth to acomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I`m so far behind I will never die! :-)
Don't claim that you know everything - besides not being true,
it's very irritating to those of us who do.
MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight --
it took over ten years of careful development.
Windows NT can be run by any idiot. ...and usally is (from the FreeBSD list)
Children seldom misquote you. Usually they repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like bananas
Ballone fahren ...
Every time we make it fool proof they invent better fools.
Micro$oft Windoze, the only computer virus that crashes itself.
A supercomputer is a machine, that runs an endless loop in just 2 seconds
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
System Error, hit any user to continue
Politics: Poli=Many, Tics=Blood sucking parasites
Don't never use no triple negatives.
Unable to locate coffee, operator halted
No spam today, my love has gone away, the mailbox stands forlorn, a symbol
of the gone. No spam today, it seems a common sight, the people passing by,
don't know the reason why. How could they know, just what this message means,
the end of my hopes, the end of my dreams... (Peter Berlich in daa)
"I can resist anything but temptation."
If God really made everything, I'd say
he has a quality control problem.
War doesn't decide who is right, only who is left.
We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. Openness is futile.
Prepare to be assimilated.
"How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars."
-- Steve Martin
"Windows98" = 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell
for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally
coded for a 4 bit microprocessor,
written by a 2 bit company,
that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it." - Bert Lantz
It's not necessary to boot up a PC in order to check whether
Windows is installed on it. Just check whether the text on
the reset switch is still readable.
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
-- Henry Spencer
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
In a world without fences - who needs Gates?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading drive C?
What are Breasts For?
They were originally meant to provide milk for baby human beings
but these days they are mainly used to sell things, newspapers,
cars, web sites, you name it.
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Rebuild? (Y/N)
New Windows 2000 message: Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
New Windows 2000 message:
"This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?"
New Windows 2000 error message:
"File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)"
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Q: How many McKinsey consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
We have joy, we have fun, we have Linux on a SUN ...
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
Dew knot trussed spell checquers too fined awl mist takes!
"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
-- Graffiti in Los Angeles
On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
-- Graffiti in San Francisco
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
lungs there'd be no place to put it all. -- Robert Orben
Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A: A canary with the super-user password.
Finagle's First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe
it happened according to his own pet theory.
Finagle's Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Finagle's Fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Finagle's Sixth Law: Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
Finagle's Seventh Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind
will be misinterpreted by somebody.
Your object is to save the world,
while still leading a pleasant life.
Your password is pitifully obvious.
Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born?
Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing?
Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers change.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. --- Elayne Boosler
Linux. Because life is too short to reboot.
"Good literature is about Love and War."
"Junk fiction is about Sex and Violence."
My sig file isn't in at the moment.
Leave a message after the beep. BEEP!
Sig. available at $0.05 / line
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town? - Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Linux -- Where do you want to go tomorrow?
"Never criticize anybody until you have walked a mile in their shoes,
because by that time you will be a mile away and have their shoes."
- unknown
"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot, C++ makes it harder,
but when you do, it blows away your whole leg." -- Bjarne Stroustrup
Free Stereogram!
Try to make the two "O"s in the next row look like three:
O O
n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n
f f f f f f f f f f f f f f
e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e
a a a a a a a a a a a a a a
a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a
r r r r r r r r r r r r r r
r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r
A feature is a bug with seniority.
"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence." - Jeremy S. Anderson
The only stupid question is the unasked one.
No question is too silly to ask, but, of course, some are too silly
to answer. -- Perl book
"It works most of the time ... The technology
brings a certain thrill to simple tasks." -- Bill Gates, Microsoft
Where did you get lost today after you went where you wanted?
Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
- Popular Mechanics, 1949
cat /dev/boiler/water | tea | sieve > /cup
mount -t hdev /dev/human/mouth01 /mouth ; cat /cup >/mouth/gulp
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on
your computer." --Bruce Graham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
--Faith Resnick
"Dogs come when they're called;
cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly
"There are many intelligent species in the universe.
They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats
is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask
for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
"Cats aren't dirty, they're just covered with cat spit."
"JAVA truly is the great equalizing software.
It has reduced all computers to mediocrity and buggyness." -- NASA
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from
betting on people. -- W. C. Fields
Smile... Tomorrow will be worse.
If you see someone without a smile, give 'em one of yours. (anonymous)
Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A: One thousand.
Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk!
Q: Why do men want to vote for a female President?
A: Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen!
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
If you take USABLE from UNSTABLE you get NT.
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Men who run in front of cars, get tired.
Men who run behind cars, get exhausted.
Have you heard about the latest virus, called "Disney Virus"?
--> Everything in your computer goes Goofy!
Have you heard about the latest virus, called "Viagra Virus"?
--> Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Have you heard about the latest virus, called "Lewinsky Virus"?
--> Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then e-mails everyone about what it did.
Have you heard about the latest virus, called "Kenneth Starr Virus"?
--> Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles
--> a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.
Have you heard about the latest virus, called "Mike Tyson Virus"?
--> Quits after two bytes. Spits everything out.
The function of an expert is not to be more
right than other people, but to be wrong
for more sophisticated reasons. (David Butler)
Never lend books, for no one ever returns them.
The only books I have in my library are books other
folks have lent me. (Anatole France)
The series is divergent, therefore we may be able
to do something with it. (O. Heavyside)
If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism;
if you steal from many, it's research. (Wilson Milner)
"Linux is like a Wigwam: No Gates, no Windows, Apache inside."
(Unknown)
The UNIX Guru's View of Sex:
unzip && strip && touch && finger && mount && fsck
&& more && yes && spray && umount && eject && sleep
Plug-and-Play is really nice, unfortunately it only works 50% of the time.
To be specific the "Plug" almost always works. (Unknown)
"Technically, Windows is an operating system, which means that it
supplies your computer with the basic commands it needs to suddenly,
with no warning whatsoever, stop operating." - Dave Barry
It's Friday, so I'll go to work early...even before lunch! (from BOfH)
"Software is like sex: it's better if it's free!" (Linus Torwalds)
"Linux is beating Windows" - David Cole, Microsoft Executive
I see the light at the end of the tunnel now ...
someone please tell me it's not a train.
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
held to discuss it.
Ending a sentence in a preposition is something up with which I will not put!
- Yoda's High School English teacher.
pirts suiboM a hguorht neeb sah txet sihT
Even clocks dissipate. Like a car loses oil, a clock loses time.
Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the heck out of your enemies.
Opposites attract, but not for long.
If it ain't broke, improve it.
The difference between the right word and nearly the right word
is the same as the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
He who stops asking questions stops finding answers.
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
Know your friends, know your enemies, and know the difference.
Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever is left,
however improbable, must be the truth.
Sometimes it is better to apologize afterwards than to ask for
permission beforehand.
The person who gossips to you will gossip of you.
If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
You almost always get what you pay for. Other times, you get less.
Good intentions don't justify bad results.
Nothing is more important than Love.
The more things change, the more they remain the same.
If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car, and objects in
the rear-view mirror may appear closer than they are.
Love is the solution to every problem.
When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign:
that the fools are all in confederacy against him.
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see.
No one can pull your strings unless you hand them to him.
Like it or not, money talks.
When you drop a hammer on your foot,
it makes little sense to get mad at the hammer.
Next time you feel unimportant, remember this:
Every movement you make, changes the entire universe.
Anything is possible. Some things just take a little longer.
A person's true character is revealed by what he does
when no one is watching.
Friends are made by many acts, but lost by only one.
The product is seldom as good as the advertisement.
Intelligence has nothing to do with politics.
"I have no choice" is something we say to comfort ourselves
about a decision we've already made.
You can get further with a kind word and a 2-by-4
than with just a kind word.
When you become obsessed with the enemy, you become the enemy.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because the average man can see better than he can think.
We were given two ears and one mouth, to be used in that proportion.
An artist cannot speak about art, any more than
a plant can discuss horticulture.
Programmer's Law: There is always one more bug.
Faith manages. Hope sustains. Love endures.
Knowledge answers questions. Wisdom questions answers.
A small clue and no budget will get you a lot farther
than no clue and a big budget.
No matter what anyone else tells you, nice guys do finish last.
Butterflies. If you throw it.
Periodically spray floppy disks with insecticide to prevent
system bugs from spreading.....
No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned....
that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex.
It was the most *horrifying* 20 minutes of my life!
There are three ways to get something done:
(1) Do it yourself.
(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
"If Microsoft can change and compete on quality, I've won." -- L. Torvalds
Microsoft. The best reason in the world to drink alcohol.
Indeed, thanks to the PC, the Internet has a level of inconvenience
that would be unacceptable in any other mass-market medium.
(http://www.economist.com/editorial/)
"security is an exercise in applied paranoia" -- Unknown
Air is water with holes in it.
If you have good memory you can forget the rest.
Do you really want all files not to be deleted (Y/n) ?
Programmers - Use Safer Hex !
Noone is useless. He can at least serve as a bad example.
Why are penguins unable to fly? --- What can't fly can't crash.
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with
all those flies and death and stuff. (Mariah Carey)
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
(Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks)
"We are the president." (Hillary Clinton)
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it. (Dan Quayle)
I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians
were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. (John Wayne)
It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another.
(George Bush)
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
(Lee Iacocca)
"Please provide the date of your death." (from an IRS letter)
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
(Keppel Enderbery)
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. (Dan Quayle)
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may re-apply if there is
a change in your circumstances. (Dept. of Social Services, Greenville, SC)
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." (Superman Costume warning label)
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have
the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the
old man had learned in seven years. -- Mark Twain
Death to all fanatics!
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
-- Abraham Lincoln
Politician, n.:
From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head"
or "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).
Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
-- Martin Pitt
"There are two things that are infinite; Human stupidity and the
universe. And I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein
Windows NT indeed has very low Total Cost of Ownership.
Trouble is, Microsoft _owns_ Windows NT. You just licensed it.
Computers are like air conditions:
They work as long as you don't open windows.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
The Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
If you are still talking about what you did yesterday,
you haven't done much today.
The older I get, the smarter my parents become.
When your wife simply answers "nothing"
when you ask her what's wrong, you're in deep trouble.
Love, not time, heals all wounds.
Even at the age of forty-nine,
you can still feel like a twelve year old child
when your mother is talking to you.
When you want a garment to shrink, it won't,
and when you don't, it will come out of the dryer and fit your cat!
Everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
Life is tough, but I'm tougher.
Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
A peacock today may be a feather duster tomorrow.
Nobody wants to know what you're doing
until you're doing something that you don't want anyone to know.
Those who reach their goals too easily have aimed too low.
The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
Some people try to achieve immortality through their work, others
through their children. I hope to achieve immortality by not dying.
-- Woody Allen
"Please don't tell my parents I work for Microsoft. They still think
I'm a bartender in a gay brothel." -- Usenet
Many would never speak with a full mouth, but do it with an empty head.
(Orson Welles)
Americans tend to hurt themselves and then look around
to find out who's fault it was. (fish)
Well, I think Perl should run faster than C. :-)
Buy a Pentium. You'll be able to reboot faster.
James Bond never has to put up with this sort of shit.
All PCs are compatible. But some of them are more compatible than others.
"Bugs are inherent in computer science." (Microsoft Spokeswoman)
Open Minds. Open Sources. Open Future. Linux.
Linux - It is now safe to turn on your computer.
Linux - Less bugs for less bucks!
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong
than forgiveness for being right.
The pre-release of the alpha for the forthcoming beta of the
pre-build of the next point release should be out tonight. (Graeme Devine)
The use of Microsoft crippleware systems is a sin
that carries with it its own punishment. (Tom Christiansen, LUG)
Windows is not an operating system; it's a GUI on a program loader.
(Tom Christiansen, LUG)
The poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream.
The world is moving so fast these days that the person who says
it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. (Fosdick)
Life is what happens while you are making other plans. -- John Lennon
Money often costs to much. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive,
tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected,
and smile through the unbearable. -- Moshe Waldoks
To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace;
to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity. -- William Arthur Ward
People who can hold their tongues rarely have any trouble
holding their friends. -- Author Unknown
The man who thinks he knows it all has merely stopped thinking.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. -- Mark Twain
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. -- Henry Thoreau
Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. -- Thomas Jefferson
I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship.
-- Louisa May Alcott
A man never shows his own character so plainly
as by the way he portrays another's. -- Jean Paul Richter
Form good habits. They are just as hard to break as the bad ones!
Either I will find a way, or I will make one. -- Philip Sidney
A loving heart is the truest wisdom. -- Charles Dickens
The more we study, the more we discover our ignorance.
-- Percy Bysshe Shelley
One kind word can warm three winter months. -- Japanesse Proverb
There are so many ways to describe success, not the least of which
is the way your child describes you when talking to a friend.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
To be meek, patient, tactful, modest, honorable, brave is not
to be either manly or womanly; it is to be humane. -- Jane Harrison
Lord, make my words sweet and tender today,
for tomorrow I may have to eat them. -- Author Unknown
Some say time is the fire in which we burn -- Dr. Soren
Killing during war is in my opinion nothing more than common murder.
-- Albert Einstein
Fate protects fools, small children, and ships named Enterprise.
-- Commander Riker
Humans are the only creatures, who when they lose their way, run faster.
This is the final test of a gentleman: his respect for those
who can be of no possible service to him. -- William Lyon Phelps
We more frequently fail to face the right problem
than fail to solve the problem we face.
Destiny is not a matter of chance, but of choice.
Not something to wish for, but to attain. -- William Jennings Bryan
The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance,
the wise grows it under his feet. -- James Oppenheim
We are all travellers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can
find in our travels is an honest friend. -- Robert Louis Stevenson
A short saying often contains much wisdom. -- Sophocles
What we see depends mainly on what we look for. -- John Lubbock
Formal education will earn you a living,
self-education will make you a fortune.
Vision without action is a daydream,
action without a vision is a nightmare. -- Japanese Proverb
Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart. -- Confucius
Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life. -- Burton Hills
If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe.
-- Abraham Lincoln
There is no challenge more challenging
than the challenge to improve yourself. -- Michael F. Staley
If you keep doing what you've always done,
you'll get what you've always gotten.
Never apologize for showing feeling.
When you do so, you apologize for the truth. -- Benjamin Disraeli
If you can't write your ideas on the back of my calling card,
you don't have a clear idea. -- David Belasco
Of all the people in the world, those who want the most
are those who have the most. -- David Grayson
This is Unix-Land. In quiet nights, you can hear the Windows machines reboot.
/* no comment */
# no comment
/"\ ----------------------
\ / ASCII ribbon campaign
X against HTML mail
/ \ and postings
My software never has bugs - it just develops random features!
guru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
Where there's a will there's a won't. (Ambrose Bierce)
Make foolproof software, and only fools will want to use it.
Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change
to take effect. Reboot now?
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" (Steven Wright)
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from
mediocre minds. - Albert Einstein
Life is what happens while you are waiting
for the fulfillment of your dreams. (Der König von St.Pauli, 1998)
Life is like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you get. (Forrest Gump, 1994)
It's nice to be a Preiß, higher to be a Bayer.
... but not as much as being Dutch.
Standards of living is to spend money that you don't have,
buying things that you don't need,
in order to impress people you don't like.
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Don't be a thief, don't lie, don't be lazy. (ketchua greeting)
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented? (George Carlin, US comedian)
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
(George Carlin, US comedian)
If people from Poland are called Poles,
why aren't people from Holland called Holes? (George Carlin, US comedian)
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? (George Carlin, US comedian)
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
(George Carlin, US comedian)
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
(George Carlin, US comedian)
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? (George Carlin, US comedian)
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
(George Carlin, US comedian)
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
(George Carlin, US comedian)
If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
(George Carlin, US comedian)
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
(George Carlin, US comedian)
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant
like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (George Carlin, US comedian)
If cows could fly, would we still have ground beef?
Is a house without a toilet truly uncanny?
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
- Oscar Wilde -
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
Christ the saviour is here...on his journey through...just three days.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.
...a contradiction in terms like Jumbo Shrimp or Military Intelligence.
(Debian User Mailing List)
Most things worth anything are worth learning.
"...the word HACK is used as a verb to indicate a massive amount
of nerd-like effort." -Harley Hahn, A Student's Guide to Unix
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
Absence is to love what wind is to fire.
It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.
Don't read everyting you believe.
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
Open source: Implementing the features you want before you even want them.
It is important to have an open mind.
But not so open, that the brain falls out.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
sendmail: fatal error (23) while processing .signature
caught signal (11) exit
Customer: I am using Windows 98
Hotline: Yes?
Customer: I've got problems.
Hotline: You had mentioned that already.
New Win98 error message:
"Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User."
New Win98 error message:
"Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)"
New Win98 error message:
"WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER."
New Win98 message: "User Error: Replace user."
New Win98 message: "Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic"
Is there another word for synonym?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
No one does nothing like I do ....
-------If you cut here you will damage your monitor------8<----
"Corrupt politicians make the other ten percent look bad." -- H. Kissinger
"STORE HOURS: OPEN most days about 9 or 10, occasionaly as early
as 7. But SOMEDAYS as late as 12 or 1. WE CLOSE about 5:30 or 6,
occasionally about 4 or 5, but sometimes as late as 11 or 12.
SOMEDAYS or afternoons we aren't here at all, and lately I've been
here just about all the time, except when I'm someplace else. -- Bobby D."
-- Sign outside Daigle's neighborhood grocery store, New Orleans
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
The best way to accelerate a MAC is at 9.81 m/s^2
Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
2B or not 2B.....thats FF
Windows 2000 ist the only software with the expiration date in its name.
Marge: "Bart, you love your sister, don't you?"
Bart: "Don't make me say it. I know the answer. You know the answer.
She knows the answer. Let's just drop it, okay?"
Whenever you meet a situation, where you don't know what to say,
say "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious". - Mary Poppins -
Sorry, nobody down here but the FBI's most unwanted. - F. Mulder
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
"Sleep is an Inadequate Substitute for Caffeine." --Diana Delker
I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
-- Graffiti in Los Angeles
By the way, did you know that MS is a very serious illness? Spelled out,
is means "Multiples Sclerose". It gradually paralyzes your whole body.
Sounds pretty much like what Microsoft is doing with our computers. :-)
%%%%%%%%%
Webster defines "paralyze" like this:
par-a-lyze tr.v. -lyzed,- lyz-ing,- lyz-es. 1. To affect with paralysis;
cause to be paralytic. 2. To make helpless or unable to move: paralyzed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
by fear. 3. To impair the progress or functioning of; make
inoperative or powerless.[Fr. paralyser find . -name home
There's no place like home.
"If Bill Gates had a penny for every time windows crashed... Oh wait, he does!"
Rules should encourage thinking, not discourage it.
(The New York Times Manual of Style and Usage)
Disclaimer:
By sending an email to ANY of my addresses you are agreeing that:
1. I am by definition, "the intended recipient".
2. All information in the email is mine to do with as I see fit and make
such financial profit, political mileage, or good joke as it lends
itself to. In particular, I may quote it on usenet.
3. I may take the contents as representing the views of your company.
4. This overrides any disclaimer or statement of confidentiality that
may be included on your message. (thanks to John Sullivan)
Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT. You feel sleepy. Notice how
restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close your eyes. The opinions
stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise.
Disclaimer: This message represents the official view of the voices in my head
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual
addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is
confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive
persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational
religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any
dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not
authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an
irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has
been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this
warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be
ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this
email, although the yorkshire terrier next door is living on
borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming
fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no
hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so
just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft: However, by pouring
a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you
can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have
received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg
whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly
and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.
(http://goldmark.org/jeff/stupid-disclaimers/fun.html)
On cars: "...if such a thing did exist, it would certainly be called
an 'isomobile' or an 'autokinesin'. Never mix Greek and Latin."
(Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)
Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer of
indirection. But that usually will create another problem.
(David Wheeler, British computer scientist, 1927-2004)
In the beginning was the word, and the word was content-type: text/plain
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of
hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo,
Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
(H.Jackson Brown)
Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
(Danish proverb)
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
(Mark Twain [Samuel Langhornne Clemens], 1835-1910)
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you really wanted.
If only women came with pull-down menus & online help.
Debian - when you have better things to do than fixing a system
People who like this sort of thing
will find this the sort of thing they like.
(Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865), in a book review)
There are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
If you can't laugh at yourself, you don't take life seriously enough.
EARTH
smog | bricks
AIR -- mud -- FIRE
soda water | tequila
WATER (fortune)
begin LOVE-LETTER-FOR-YOU.TXT.vbs
Hehe, this seems to be a virus but is just a bug in MS Outlook. ;-)
End
Talking has been known to lead to communication if practised carelessly.
A pope like Ratzinger is the perfect match for a president like George Bush.
(a Jesuit friend in Peru)
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle.
All I need to know I could have learned in Kindergarten
... if I'd just been paying attention.
Help Microsoft stamp out piracy. Give Linux to a friend today!
Let's call it an accidental feature. -- Larry Wall
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter.
Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
(Samuel Beckett)
perl -e"map{y/a-z/l-za-k/;print}shift" "Jjhi pcdiwtg Ptga wprztg,"
?pu gnikcab yb naem uoy tahw siht sI
Minds, like parachutes, function best when open.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably
the day they start making vacuum cleaners. (Ernst Jan Plugge)
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. (Richard Jeni)
The United States of America does not have any official language. (no joke!)
Americanized English is the common language, but it's not official. This means
that the government has to supply forms and materials in many languages for its
citizens, because it cannot require that citizens speak English.
For example, they have tax forms in French:
http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-access/f2290fr_accessible.pdf
s.auch: http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vereinigte_Staaten#Sprachen
http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sprachen_in_den_Vereinigten_Staaten
Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty
smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.
(Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt)
All in favor of telekinesis, raise my hands.
You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, while it does
big things badly, does small things badly too.
If it's comprehensible, it's obsolete.
Don't get even -- get odd!
WARNING: RAID-6 is currently highly experimental. If you use it, there is no
guarantee whatsoever that it won't destroy your data, eat your disk drives,
insult your mother, or re-appoint George W. Bush.
(/usr/src/linux/drivers/md/Kconfig - 2.6.9)
lim ----
8-->9 \/ 8 = 3
VISTA: Viruses, Infections, Spyware, Trojans & Adware
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
(Mark Twain, 1894)
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely
foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
(from "Mostly Harmless" by Douglas Adams)
Perhaps I just don't understand the industry I work in, or why it would be
so desirable to deploy insecure and unreliable operating systems provided
by a sole source provider who has a history of illegal business practices.
(David Sugar, http://www.freesoftwaremagazine.com/node/1692)
Perhaps GNU/Linux is not doing well in the desktop market because it is
failing to meet user expectations! Clearly the quality of the software
is simply too high!
(David Sugar, http://www.freesoftwaremagazine.com/node/1692)
Perhaps what is needed is a crash course for our community in how to better
write buggy and insecure code! Maybe we need to research how to make it
necessary for the user to reboot a GNU/Linux desktop more often!
(David Sugar, http://www.freesoftwaremagazine.com/node/1692)
Tobacco is the second major cause of death in the world. It is currently
responsible for the death of one in ten adults worldwide (about 5 million
deaths each year). If current smoking patterns continue, it will cause some
10 million deaths each year by 2020. Half the people that smoke today -that
is about 650 million people- will eventually be killed by tobacco.
(http://www.who.int/tobacco/en/)
This message was sent using 100% recycled spam mails.
Meetings - None of us is as dumb as all of us.
Sig and tired!
The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still
pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren't added to it.
Did you know: Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Did you know: Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
Earth is the only planet not named after a god.
Did you know: An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
The software box said: "Requires WIndows 98 or better." So I installed Linux!
Lack of Sex is interfering with my ability to triage bugs.
Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your children.
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your
passage then tootle him with vigour." (Car rental brochure, Tokyo)
Smile... Tomorrow will be worse.
Englisch - English - Inglés
"Unix is user friendly ... it's just picky about it's friends." -anononymous
"The REALLY nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete
surprise and is not preceded by long periods of worry & depression!" -unknown
Everybody should believe in something - I believe I should have another beer.
"I would be willing to bet that >99% of the people that use PGP wouldn't
recognize a backdoor in the code if it fell on them." -Tim Mooney
BORING: See "Civil Engineers". - the Yellow Pages
"Maybe you should telephone the Internet and talk to their tech support people."
- an AOL customer service representative.
Mixed Emotions: Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff
in your brand new Mercedes.
Escape the "Gates" of Hell: LINUX, the choice of a GNU generation!
Perl is the Swiss-Army-Chainsaw of U**x Programming
"Money means nothing 'cause hacks are free..." (Apologies to MK)
"The cheapest, fastest, and most reliable components of a computer system
are those that aren't there." -- Gordon Bell
"Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug."
-- Dire Straits, The Bug
"Let's just be friends -- friends who never talk or see each other."
-- David Letterman, 7-22-92
With your one remaining eye, please do NOT look back into the laser
"There is nothing wrong with America, that cannot be cured
by what is RIGHT with America" --- Ex-President Bill Jefferson Clinton
Be good, but - if you can't be good -
be careful, but - if you can't be careful - DON'T GET CAUGHT
"C++ -- where friends can access your privates."
There Is No Gravity - The World Just Sucks!
No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item,
after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back.
"If the 8086 architects had designed a car, they would have produced
one with legs, to be compatible with the horse." (WA2HEE)
As far as we know our computer has never had an undetected error.
Undetected errors are handled as if no error occurred. (IBM)
A person who has not made his great contribution to science before
the age of 30 will never do so. -- Albert Einstein
Science owes more to the steam engine than the steam engine owes to science
-- James Bryant Conant 1983-1978, Science & Common Sense 1961 New Haven
In Germany everything is forbidden, unless something is specifically allowed.
In the UK everything which is not specifically forbidden, is allowed.
In France everything is allowed, even if it is forbidden.
In Italy everything is allowed, especially when it is forbidden.
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
To the intelligent, life is infinitely mysterious.
The stupid have an answer for every question.
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
GILLETTE'S PRINCIPLE:
"If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make
them absolutely livid with rage, tell the truth."
"Two wrongs don't make a right,
but three lefts do." -- Charles Barilleau
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
much sleep. -- Woody Allen
43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
one, and convert to the next higher units.
Q: How do you stop Bill Gates from drowning?
A: Shoot him.
The steady state of disks is full. -- Ken Thompson
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
Command, n.:
Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
such a manner as to make the human feel that he is in control.
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
until 5 or 6 pm.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-- Olivier
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
There is no particular mystery in animation...it's really very simple,
and like anything that is simple, it is about the hardest thing in the
world to do. -- Bill Tytla at the Walt Disney Studio, June 28, 1937.
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
-- Oscar Wilde
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
If you see it and it's there, it's real,
If you see it and it isn't there, it's virtual,
If you can't see it and it's there, it's transparent,
And if you can't see it and it isn't there, it's gone....
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop
after eating one peanut. -- Channing Pollock
When Marriage is Outlawed, only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have
nothing more important to do.
"Silence is consent." - Sir Thomas Moore, before his execution.
"Ya' know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She
said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment' and God bless her soul, she was
really onto something." -- Homer Simpson in _There's_No_Disgrace_Like_Home_
Passwords should be treated like toothbrushes. Don't let anyone else
use yours and get a new one every 3 months. -- Cliff Stoll
But he was probably like most CS majors: spending all the time in the
computer labs, eating out of vending machines, majoring in the four major
food groups: sugar, starch, chocolate and caffeine, he probably was 5'6"
and weighed 250, with a face like a pepperoni pizza behind Coke bottles.
"JUST a statue! Is the Statue of Liberty JUST a statue?
Is the Leaning Tower of 'pizza' JUST a statue?"
-- Homer Simpson to Bart in _Tell-Tale_Head_
A few weeks of developing and testing
can save a whole afternoon in the library.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
Experience is directly proportional to
the amount of equipment ruined.
By the way, what is 9,192,631,770 times the period length of the
radiation which corresponds to the phase transition between the two
hyper-fine structure niveaus of the base state of atoms with the
133-CS nuke?
!dnoces 1 :noituloS
Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be
regarded as a criminal offense. -- E. W. Dijkstra
I was up above it, now I'm down in it.
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer.
Use the Source, Luke!
Don't keep a negative attitude, such as
"I will not succeed, I will not succeed."
Instead, keep a positive attitude, such as
"I WILL fail. I WILL fail."
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
sky. -- Rainer Rilke
In order to maintain secrecy, this posting will self-destruct
in five seconds. Memorize it, then eat your computer.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they're not.
Blind people should not skydive, it scares the shit out of their dogs!!
May all your PUSHes be POPped.
*anuthur egsample of the publik edukashun sistem* :)
"Press button to test." "Release to detonate."
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop???
Our continuing mission: To seek out knowledge of C, to explore strange
UNIX commands and to boldly code where no one has a manpage 4...
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only
proved it correct, not tried it." -- Donald Knuth
Weinberg's Principle:
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can
be made, in a narrow field. - Niels Bohr
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress
depends upon the unreasonable man. - George Bernard Shaw
Good questions outrank easy answers. - Paul A. Samuelson
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.
-- Henry L. Mencken
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice !
Why use Windows, when you can leave through the door?
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
"I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system,
and possibly program, of all times." Bill Gates, Microsoft, 1988
(Preface in Ed Iaccobucci's "OS/2 Programmers Guide")
Hiroshima 45, Tschernobyl 86, Windows 98
Bill Gates, Microsoft:
"There are no significant bugs in our released software that any
significant number of users want fixed."
"If you really think there's a bug you should report a bug. Maybe you're
not using it properly. Have you ever considered that?"
"It turns out Luddites don't know how to use software properly, so you
should look into that. -- The reason we come up with new versions is not
to fix bugs. It's absolutely not. It's the stupidest reason to buy a new
version I ever heard."
To be found here:
oder
Bill Gates, Microsoft: (from: )
"There are no significant bugs in our released software that any
significant number of users want fixed."
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
those who understand what they do not manage and
those who manage what they do not understand.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in
human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
To be is to do. (Sartre)
To do is to be. (Camus)
Do be do be do. (Sinatra)
Scoo Be Do Be Do. (Scooby Doo)
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the
Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the
Universe is winning."
Microsoft gives you Windows, UNIX gives you the whole house
Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate !!
Ceterum censeo Microsoftem esse delendam!
The word "WINDOWS" stems from an old Sioux-dialect and means:
"White man stares through screen at hour glass."
Windoze: For the one it is an operating system, for the others
it is the longest virus of the world.
Linux vs. Windows is a no-Win situation
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Many people easily confuse innovation with the latest
influenza epidemia from Redmond.
Windows98 is able to do *real* multitasking:
It can boot and crash at the same time!
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule.
You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
When I shop for hardware I always look for the "Designed for Windows"
logo. I really thank Microsoft(TM) for encouraging manufacturers to
label their products this way, so I know what to AVOID.
To err is human. To really screw it up takes a computer.
Earth is 98% full... please delete anyone you can!
Artificial Intelligence stands no chance against Natural Stupidity.
Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
on a rock. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
I have taken all the Gates out of my computer, and it still works!
A bus stops at a bus station; a train stops at a train station.
On my desk I have a workstation...
God sent me to earth to acomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I`m so far behind I will never die! :-)
Don't claim that you know everything - besides not being true,
it's very irritating to those of us who do.
MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight --
it took over ten years of careful development.
Windows NT can be run by any idiot. ...and usally is (from the FreeBSD list)
Children seldom misquote you. Usually they repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like bananas
Ballone fahren ...
Every time we make it fool proof they invent better fools.
Micro$oft Windoze, the only computer virus that crashes itself.
A supercomputer is a machine, that runs an endless loop in just 2 seconds
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
System Error, hit any user to continue
Politics: Poli=Many, Tics=Blood sucking parasites
Don't never use no triple negatives.
Unable to locate coffee, operator halted
No spam today, my love has gone away, the mailbox stands forlorn, a symbol
of the gone. No spam today, it seems a common sight, the people passing by,
don't know the reason why. How could they know, just what this message means,
the end of my hopes, the end of my dreams... (Peter Berlich in daa)
"I can resist anything but temptation."
If God really made everything, I'd say
he has a quality control problem.
War doesn't decide who is right, only who is left.
We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. Openness is futile.
Prepare to be assimilated.
"How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars."
-- Steve Martin
"Windows98" = 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell
for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally
coded for a 4 bit microprocessor,
written by a 2 bit company,
that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it." - Bert Lantz
It's not necessary to boot up a PC in order to check whether
Windows is installed on it. Just check whether the text on
the reset switch is still readable.
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
-- Henry Spencer
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
In a world without fences - who needs Gates?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading drive C?
What are Breasts For?
They were originally meant to provide milk for baby human beings
but these days they are mainly used to sell things, newspapers,
cars, web sites, you name it.
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Rebuild? (Y/N)
New Windows 2000 message: Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
New Windows 2000 message:
"This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?"
New Windows 2000 error message:
"File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)"
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Q: How many McKinsey consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
We have joy, we have fun, we have Linux on a SUN ...
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
Dew knot trussed spell checquers too fined awl mist takes!
"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
-- Graffiti in Los Angeles
On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
-- Graffiti in San Francisco
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
lungs there'd be no place to put it all. -- Robert Orben
Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A: A canary with the super-user password.
Finagle's First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe
it happened according to his own pet theory.
Finagle's Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Finagle's Fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Finagle's Sixth Law: Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
Finagle's Seventh Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind
will be misinterpreted by somebody.
Your object is to save the world,
while still leading a pleasant life.
Your password is pitifully obvious.
Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born?
Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing?
Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers change.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. --- Elayne Boosler
Linux. Because life is too short to reboot.
"Good literature is about Love and War."
"Junk fiction is about Sex and Violence."
My sig file isn't in at the moment.
Leave a message after the beep. BEEP!
Sig. available at $0.05 / line
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town? - Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Linux -- Where do you want to go tomorrow?
"Never criticize anybody until you have walked a mile in their shoes,
because by that time you will be a mile away and have their shoes."
- unknown
"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot, C++ makes it harder,
but when you do, it blows away your whole leg." -- Bjarne Stroustrup
Free Stereogram!
Try to make the two "O"s in the next row look like three:
O O
n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n
f f f f f f f f f f f f f f
e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e
a a a a a a a a a a a a a a
a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a
r r r r r r r r r r r r r r
r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r
A feature is a bug with seniority.
"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence." - Jeremy S. Anderson
The only stupid question is the unasked one.
No question is too silly to ask, but, of course, some are too silly
to answer. -- Perl book
"It works most of the time ... The technology
brings a certain thrill to simple tasks." -- Bill Gates, Microsoft
Where did you get lost today after you went where you wanted?
Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
- Popular Mechanics, 1949
cat /dev/boiler/water | tea | sieve > /cup
mount -t hdev /dev/human/mouth01 /mouth ; cat /cup >/mouth/gulp
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on
your computer." --Bruce Graham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
--Faith Resnick
"Dogs come when they're called;
cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly
"There are many intelligent species in the universe.
They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats
is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask
for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
"Cats aren't dirty, they're just covered with cat spit."
"JAVA truly is the great equalizing software.
It has reduced all computers to mediocrity and buggyness." -- NASA
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from
betting on people. -- W. C. Fields
Smile... Tomorrow will be worse.
If you see someone without a smile, give 'em one of yours. (anonymous)
Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A: One thousand.
Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk!
Q: Why do men want to vote for a female President?
A: Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen!
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
If you take USABLE from UNSTABLE you get NT.
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Men who run in front of cars, get tired.
Men who run behind cars, get exhausted.
Have you heard about the latest virus, called "Disney Virus"?
--> Everything in your computer goes Goofy!
Have you heard about the latest virus, called "Viagra Virus"?
--> Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Have you heard about the latest virus, called "Lewinsky Virus"?
--> Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then e-mails everyone about what it did.
Have you heard about the latest virus, called "Kenneth Starr Virus"?
--> Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles
--> a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.
Have you heard about the latest virus, called "Mike Tyson Virus"?
--> Quits after two bytes. Spits everything out.
The function of an expert is not to be more
right than other people, but to be wrong
for more sophisticated reasons. (David Butler)
Never lend books, for no one ever returns them.
The only books I have in my library are books other
folks have lent me. (Anatole France)
The series is divergent, therefore we may be able
to do something with it. (O. Heavyside)
If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism;
if you steal from many, it's research. (Wilson Milner)
"Linux is like a Wigwam: No Gates, no Windows, Apache inside."
(Unknown)
The UNIX Guru's View of Sex:
unzip && strip && touch && finger && mount && fsck
&& more && yes && spray && umount && eject && sleep
Plug-and-Play is really nice, unfortunately it only works 50% of the time.
To be specific the "Plug" almost always works. (Unknown)
"Technically, Windows is an operating system, which means that it
supplies your computer with the basic commands it needs to suddenly,
with no warning whatsoever, stop operating." - Dave Barry
It's Friday, so I'll go to work early...even before lunch! (from BOfH)
"Software is like sex: it's better if it's free!" (Linus Torwalds)
"Linux is beating Windows" - David Cole, Microsoft Executive
I see the light at the end of the tunnel now ...
someone please tell me it's not a train.
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
held to discuss it.
Ending a sentence in a preposition is something up with which I will not put!
- Yoda's High School English teacher.
pirts suiboM a hguorht neeb sah txet sihT
Even clocks dissipate. Like a car loses oil, a clock loses time.
Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the heck out of your enemies.
Opposites attract, but not for long.
If it ain't broke, improve it.
The difference between the right word and nearly the right word
is the same as the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
He who stops asking questions stops finding answers.
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
Know your friends, know your enemies, and know the difference.
Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever is left,
however improbable, must be the truth.
Sometimes it is better to apologize afterwards than to ask for
permission beforehand.
The person who gossips to you will gossip of you.
If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
You almost always get what you pay for. Other times, you get less.
Good intentions don't justify bad results.
Nothing is more important than Love.
The more things change, the more they remain the same.
If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car, and objects in
the rear-view mirror may appear closer than they are.
Love is the solution to every problem.
When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign:
that the fools are all in confederacy against him.
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see.
No one can pull your strings unless you hand them to him.
Like it or not, money talks.
When you drop a hammer on your foot,
it makes little sense to get mad at the hammer.
Next time you feel unimportant, remember this:
Every movement you make, changes the entire universe.
Anything is possible. Some things just take a little longer.
A person's true character is revealed by what he does
when no one is watching.
Friends are made by many acts, but lost by only one.
The product is seldom as good as the advertisement.
Intelligence has nothing to do with politics.
"I have no choice" is something we say to comfort ourselves
about a decision we've already made.
You can get further with a kind word and a 2-by-4
than with just a kind word.
When you become obsessed with the enemy, you become the enemy.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because the average man can see better than he can think.
We were given two ears and one mouth, to be used in that proportion.
An artist cannot speak about art, any more than
a plant can discuss horticulture.
Programmer's Law: There is always one more bug.
Faith manages. Hope sustains. Love endures.
Knowledge answers questions. Wisdom questions answers.
A small clue and no budget will get you a lot farther
than no clue and a big budget.
No matter what anyone else tells you, nice guys do finish last.
Butterflies. If you throw it.
Periodically spray floppy disks with insecticide to prevent
system bugs from spreading.....
No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned....
that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex.
It was the most *horrifying* 20 minutes of my life!
There are three ways to get something done:
(1) Do it yourself.
(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
"If Microsoft can change and compete on quality, I've won." -- L. Torvalds
Microsoft. The best reason in the world to drink alcohol.
Indeed, thanks to the PC, the Internet has a level of inconvenience
that would be unacceptable in any other mass-market medium.
(http://www.economist.com/editorial/)
"security is an exercise in applied paranoia" -- Unknown
Air is water with holes in it.
If you have good memory you can forget the rest.
Do you really want all files not to be deleted (Y/n) ?
Programmers - Use Safer Hex !
Noone is useless. He can at least serve as a bad example.
Why are penguins unable to fly? --- What can't fly can't crash.
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with
all those flies and death and stuff. (Mariah Carey)
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
(Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks)
"We are the president." (Hillary Clinton)
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it. (Dan Quayle)
I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians
were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. (John Wayne)
It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another.
(George Bush)
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
(Lee Iacocca)
"Please provide the date of your death." (from an IRS letter)
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
(Keppel Enderbery)
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. (Dan Quayle)
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may re-apply if there is
a change in your circumstances. (Dept. of Social Services, Greenville, SC)
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." (Superman Costume warning label)
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have
the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the
old man had learned in seven years. -- Mark Twain
Death to all fanatics!
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
-- Abraham Lincoln
Politician, n.:
From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head"
or "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).
Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
-- Martin Pitt
"There are two things that are infinite; Human stupidity and the
universe. And I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein
Windows NT indeed has very low Total Cost of Ownership.
Trouble is, Microsoft _owns_ Windows NT. You just licensed it.
Computers are like air conditions:
They work as long as you don't open windows.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
The Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
If you are still talking about what you did yesterday,
you haven't done much today.
The older I get, the smarter my parents become.
When your wife simply answers "nothing"
when you ask her what's wrong, you're in deep trouble.
Love, not time, heals all wounds.
Even at the age of forty-nine,
you can still feel like a twelve year old child
when your mother is talking to you.
When you want a garment to shrink, it won't,
and when you don't, it will come out of the dryer and fit your cat!
Everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
Life is tough, but I'm tougher.
Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
A peacock today may be a feather duster tomorrow.
Nobody wants to know what you're doing
until you're doing something that you don't want anyone to know.
Those who reach their goals too easily have aimed too low.
The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
Some people try to achieve immortality through their work, others
through their children. I hope to achieve immortality by not dying.
-- Woody Allen
"Please don't tell my parents I work for Microsoft. They still think
I'm a bartender in a gay brothel." -- Usenet
Many would never speak with a full mouth, but do it with an empty head.
(Orson Welles)
Americans tend to hurt themselves and then look around
to find out who's fault it was. (fish)
Well, I think Perl should run faster than C. :-)
Buy a Pentium. You'll be able to reboot faster.
James Bond never has to put up with this sort of shit.
All PCs are compatible. But some of them are more compatible than others.
"Bugs are inherent in computer science." (Microsoft Spokeswoman)
Open Minds. Open Sources. Open Future. Linux.
Linux - It is now safe to turn on your computer.
Linux - Less bugs for less bucks!
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong
than forgiveness for being right.
The pre-release of the alpha for the forthcoming beta of the
pre-build of the next point release should be out tonight. (Graeme Devine)
The use of Microsoft crippleware systems is a sin
that carries with it its own punishment. (Tom Christiansen, LUG)
Windows is not an operating system; it's a GUI on a program loader.
(Tom Christiansen, LUG)
The poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream.
The world is moving so fast these days that the person who says
it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. (Fosdick)
Life is what happens while you are making other plans. -- John Lennon
Money often costs to much. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive,
tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected,
and smile through the unbearable. -- Moshe Waldoks
To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace;
to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity. -- William Arthur Ward
People who can hold their tongues rarely have any trouble
holding their friends. -- Author Unknown
The man who thinks he knows it all has merely stopped thinking.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. -- Mark Twain
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. -- Henry Thoreau
Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. -- Thomas Jefferson
I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship.
-- Louisa May Alcott
A man never shows his own character so plainly
as by the way he portrays another's. -- Jean Paul Richter
Form good habits. They are just as hard to break as the bad ones!
Either I will find a way, or I will make one. -- Philip Sidney
A loving heart is the truest wisdom. -- Charles Dickens
The more we study, the more we discover our ignorance.
-- Percy Bysshe Shelley
One kind word can warm three winter months. -- Japanesse Proverb
There are so many ways to describe success, not the least of which
is the way your child describes you when talking to a friend.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
To be meek, patient, tactful, modest, honorable, brave is not
to be either manly or womanly; it is to be humane. -- Jane Harrison
Lord, make my words sweet and tender today,
for tomorrow I may have to eat them. -- Author Unknown
Some say time is the fire in which we burn -- Dr. Soren
Killing during war is in my opinion nothing more than common murder.
-- Albert Einstein
Fate protects fools, small children, and ships named Enterprise.
-- Commander Riker
Humans are the only creatures, who when they lose their way, run faster.
This is the final test of a gentleman: his respect for those
who can be of no possible service to him. -- William Lyon Phelps
We more frequently fail to face the right problem
than fail to solve the problem we face.
Destiny is not a matter of chance, but of choice.
Not something to wish for, but to attain. -- William Jennings Bryan
The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance,
the wise grows it under his feet. -- James Oppenheim
We are all travellers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can
find in our travels is an honest friend. -- Robert Louis Stevenson
A short saying often contains much wisdom. -- Sophocles
What we see depends mainly on what we look for. -- John Lubbock
Formal education will earn you a living,
self-education will make you a fortune.
Vision without action is a daydream,
action without a vision is a nightmare. -- Japanese Proverb
Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart. -- Confucius
Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life. -- Burton Hills
If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe.
-- Abraham Lincoln
There is no challenge more challenging
than the challenge to improve yourself. -- Michael F. Staley
If you keep doing what you've always done,
you'll get what you've always gotten.
Never apologize for showing feeling.
When you do so, you apologize for the truth. -- Benjamin Disraeli
If you can't write your ideas on the back of my calling card,
you don't have a clear idea. -- David Belasco
Of all the people in the world, those who want the most
are those who have the most. -- David Grayson
This is Unix-Land. In quiet nights, you can hear the Windows machines reboot.
/* no comment */
# no comment
/"\ ----------------------
\ / ASCII ribbon campaign
X against HTML mail
/ \ and postings
My software never has bugs - it just develops random features!
guru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
Where there's a will there's a won't. (Ambrose Bierce)
Make foolproof software, and only fools will want to use it.
Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change
to take effect. Reboot now?
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" (Steven Wright)
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from
mediocre minds. - Albert Einstein
Life is what happens while you are waiting
for the fulfillment of your dreams. (Der König von St.Pauli, 1998)
Life is like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you get. (Forrest Gump, 1994)
It's nice to be a Preiß, higher to be a Bayer.
... but not as much as being Dutch.
Standards of living is to spend money that you don't have,
buying things that you don't need,
in order to impress people you don't like.
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Don't be a thief, don't lie, don't be lazy. (ketchua greeting)
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented? (George Carlin, US comedian)
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
(George Carlin, US comedian)
If people from Poland are called Poles,
why aren't people from Holland called Holes? (George Carlin, US comedian)
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? (George Carlin, US comedian)
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
(George Carlin, US comedian)
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
(George Carlin, US comedian)
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? (George Carlin, US comedian)
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
(George Carlin, US comedian)
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
(George Carlin, US comedian)
If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
(George Carlin, US comedian)
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
(George Carlin, US comedian)
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant
like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (George Carlin, US comedian)
If cows could fly, would we still have ground beef?
Is a house without a toilet truly uncanny?
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
- Oscar Wilde -
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
Christ the saviour is here...on his journey through...just three days.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.
...a contradiction in terms like Jumbo Shrimp or Military Intelligence.
(Debian User Mailing List)
Most things worth anything are worth learning.
"...the word HACK is used as a verb to indicate a massive amount
of nerd-like effort." -Harley Hahn, A Student's Guide to Unix
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
Absence is to love what wind is to fire.
It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.
Don't read everyting you believe.
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
Open source: Implementing the features you want before you even want them.
It is important to have an open mind.
But not so open, that the brain falls out.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
sendmail: fatal error (23) while processing .signature
caught signal (11) exit
Customer: I am using Windows 98
Hotline: Yes?
Customer: I've got problems.
Hotline: You had mentioned that already.
New Win98 error message:
"Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User."
New Win98 error message:
"Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)"
New Win98 error message:
"WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER."
New Win98 message: "User Error: Replace user."
New Win98 message: "Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic"
Is there another word for synonym?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
No one does nothing like I do ....
-------If you cut here you will damage your monitor------8<----
"Corrupt politicians make the other ten percent look bad." -- H. Kissinger
"STORE HOURS: OPEN most days about 9 or 10, occasionaly as early
as 7. But SOMEDAYS as late as 12 or 1. WE CLOSE about 5:30 or 6,
occasionally about 4 or 5, but sometimes as late as 11 or 12.
SOMEDAYS or afternoons we aren't here at all, and lately I've been
here just about all the time, except when I'm someplace else. -- Bobby D."
-- Sign outside Daigle's neighborhood grocery store, New Orleans
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
The best way to accelerate a MAC is at 9.81 m/s^2
Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
2B or not 2B.....thats FF
Windows 2000 ist the only software with the expiration date in its name.
Marge: "Bart, you love your sister, don't you?"
Bart: "Don't make me say it. I know the answer. You know the answer.
She knows the answer. Let's just drop it, okay?"
Whenever you meet a situation, where you don't know what to say,
say "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious". - Mary Poppins -
Sorry, nobody down here but the FBI's most unwanted. - F. Mulder
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
"Sleep is an Inadequate Substitute for Caffeine." --Diana Delker
I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
-- Graffiti in Los Angeles
By the way, did you know that MS is a very serious illness? Spelled out,
is means "Multiples Sclerose". It gradually paralyzes your whole body.
Sounds pretty much like what Microsoft is doing with our computers. :-)
%%%%%%%%%
Webster defines "paralyze" like this:
par-a-lyze tr.v. -lyzed,- lyz-ing,- lyz-es. 1. To affect with paralysis;
cause to be paralytic. 2. To make helpless or unable to move: paralyzed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
by fear. 3. To impair the progress or functioning of; make
inoperative or powerless.[Fr. paralyser find . -name home
There's no place like home.
"If Bill Gates had a penny for every time windows crashed... Oh wait, he does!"
Rules should encourage thinking, not discourage it.
(The New York Times Manual of Style and Usage)
Disclaimer:
By sending an email to ANY of my addresses you are agreeing that:
1. I am by definition, "the intended recipient".
2. All information in the email is mine to do with as I see fit and make
such financial profit, political mileage, or good joke as it lends
itself to. In particular, I may quote it on usenet.
3. I may take the contents as representing the views of your company.
4. This overrides any disclaimer or statement of confidentiality that
may be included on your message. (thanks to John Sullivan)
Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT. You feel sleepy. Notice how
restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close your eyes. The opinions
stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise.
Disclaimer: This message represents the official view of the voices in my head
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual
addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is
confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive
persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational
religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any
dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not
authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an
irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has
been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this
warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be
ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this
email, although the yorkshire terrier next door is living on
borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming
fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no
hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so
just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft: However, by pouring
a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you
can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have
received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg
whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly
and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.
(http://goldmark.org/jeff/stupid-disclaimers/fun.html)
On cars: "...if such a thing did exist, it would certainly be called
an 'isomobile' or an 'autokinesin'. Never mix Greek and Latin."
(Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)
Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer of
indirection. But that usually will create another problem.
(David Wheeler, British computer scientist, 1927-2004)
In the beginning was the word, and the word was content-type: text/plain
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of
hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo,
Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
(H.Jackson Brown)
Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
(Danish proverb)
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
(Mark Twain [Samuel Langhornne Clemens], 1835-1910)
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you really wanted.
If only women came with pull-down menus & online help.
Debian - when you have better things to do than fixing a system
People who like this sort of thing
will find this the sort of thing they like.
(Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865), in a book review)
There are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
If you can't laugh at yourself, you don't take life seriously enough.
EARTH
smog | bricks
AIR -- mud -- FIRE
soda water | tequila
WATER (fortune)
begin LOVE-LETTER-FOR-YOU.TXT.vbs
Hehe, this seems to be a virus but is just a bug in MS Outlook. ;-)
End
Talking has been known to lead to communication if practised carelessly.
A pope like Ratzinger is the perfect match for a president like George Bush.
(a Jesuit friend in Peru)
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle.
All I need to know I could have learned in Kindergarten
... if I'd just been paying attention.
Help Microsoft stamp out piracy. Give Linux to a friend today!
Let's call it an accidental feature. -- Larry Wall
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter.
Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
(Samuel Beckett)
perl -e"map{y/a-z/l-za-k/;print}shift" "Jjhi pcdiwtg Ptga wprztg,"
?pu gnikcab yb naem uoy tahw siht sI
Minds, like parachutes, function best when open.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably
the day they start making vacuum cleaners. (Ernst Jan Plugge)
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. (Richard Jeni)
The United States of America does not have any official language. (no joke!)
Americanized English is the common language, but it's not official. This means
that the government has to supply forms and materials in many languages for its
citizens, because it cannot require that citizens speak English.
For example, they have tax forms in French:
http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-access/f2290fr_accessible.pdf
s.auch: http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vereinigte_Staaten#Sprachen
http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sprachen_in_den_Vereinigten_Staaten
Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty
smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.
(Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt)
All in favor of telekinesis, raise my hands.
You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, while it does
big things badly, does small things badly too.
If it's comprehensible, it's obsolete.
Don't get even -- get odd!
WARNING: RAID-6 is currently highly experimental. If you use it, there is no
guarantee whatsoever that it won't destroy your data, eat your disk drives,
insult your mother, or re-appoint George W. Bush.
(/usr/src/linux/drivers/md/Kconfig - 2.6.9)
lim ----
8-->9 \/ 8 = 3
VISTA: Viruses, Infections, Spyware, Trojans & Adware
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
(Mark Twain, 1894)
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely
foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
(from "Mostly Harmless" by Douglas Adams)
Perhaps I just don't understand the industry I work in, or why it would be
so desirable to deploy insecure and unreliable operating systems provided
by a sole source provider who has a history of illegal business practices.
(David Sugar, http://www.freesoftwaremagazine.com/node/1692)
Perhaps GNU/Linux is not doing well in the desktop market because it is
failing to meet user expectations! Clearly the quality of the software
is simply too high!
(David Sugar, http://www.freesoftwaremagazine.com/node/1692)
Perhaps what is needed is a crash course for our community in how to better
write buggy and insecure code! Maybe we need to research how to make it
necessary for the user to reboot a GNU/Linux desktop more often!
(David Sugar, http://www.freesoftwaremagazine.com/node/1692)
Tobacco is the second major cause of death in the world. It is currently
responsible for the death of one in ten adults worldwide (about 5 million
deaths each year). If current smoking patterns continue, it will cause some
10 million deaths each year by 2020. Half the people that smoke today -that
is about 650 million people- will eventually be killed by tobacco.
(http://www.who.int/tobacco/en/)
This message was sent using 100% recycled spam mails.
Meetings - None of us is as dumb as all of us.
Sig and tired!
The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still
pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren't added to it.
Did you know: Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Did you know: Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
Earth is the only planet not named after a god.
Did you know: An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
The software box said: "Requires WIndows 98 or better." So I installed Linux!
Lack of Sex is interfering with my ability to triage bugs.
Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your children.
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your
passage then tootle him with vigour." (Car rental brochure, Tokyo)
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